Dr. Becky Suggests ‘Sturdy Parenting’ To Address Parents’ Mental Health Crisis, Kids On Phones And More

Last month, Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy issued a warning about the mental health and well-being of parents. In this widely shared report, he notes that parents feel higher levels of stress than other adults over issues such as economic anxiety, worries about their children’s well-being and social media. To which parents around the country collectively replied, “yes, obviously.”

The report does suggest actions that can help, most notably for a “shift in culture, policies and programs to ensure all parents and caregivers can thrive…access to paid family leave, improving early childhood education and child care and delivering historic investments in mental health care.”

One mental health professional not only raising awareness of this issue but trying to help parents through their tougher daily struggles is Dr. Rebecca Kennedy, more commonly known as “Dr. Becky.” The clinical psychologist rose to Instagram fame during the height of the pandemic in 2020. Called the “millennial parenting whisperer,” she encourages parents to understand their children as complex emotional beings, emphasizing small, consistent actions and even offering scripts to use as they navigate daily tantrums and frustrations all while trying to preserve their own mental health.

Now, her company, Good Inside, is out with a new app that aims to offer parents easier access to that simple, actionable advice. Kennedy says the app was created because of the many parents who told her they wished they could just text her with their daily questions.

I spoke to Kennedy three weeks after the app launched about her decision to create it, her thoughts on the Surgeon General’s mental health warning for parents, the ongoing debate over kids and phones, the gentle parenting debate and back to school transition tips for busy parents.

Amy Shoenthal: Why do you think your parenting advice stands out from other experts in the space?

Dr. Becky Kennedy: We’ve been sold models of parenting that are either/or. They either lead with behavioral control and harsh reactions, which makes a parent feel powerful in the moment, but leaves them feeling disconnected from their kid. Or we’re told to empathize with our kids, which leads to parents struggling to actually set any boundaries.

Both are incomplete. At Good Inside, we’ve introduced a new model called sturdy parenting. I really would call it sturdy leadership, because parents tell me all the time that these benefits extend to the workplace, to their relationship with their in-laws and beyond.

When we become sturdier, we feel like the strongest and warmest version of ourselves. It’s when we embody our authority, set boundaries and connect to others with empathy. It’s amazing to watch our kids get the benefits of that approach.

Shoenthal: How is ‘sturdy parenting’ different from ‘gentle parenting?’ I think that was a big buzzword and now we’re starting to see backlash against it.

Kennedy: I am a person of words. The words that have the most power are those with emotional resonance. If people find the term “gentle parenting” helpful, they should use it. But that word doesn’t resonate with me. A word I find very helpful in my parenting is ‘sturdy.’ Sturdy is how I feel in my highest impact moments. They are never my most enjoyable moments, they are always my most inconvenient moments, but they are my sturdiest moments.

It’s when I have to carry my kid out of the grocery store because of a tantrum. I recognize this will be awkward, and I’m tired afterwards, but I feel like a pilot earning my wings in a turbulent storm. I’m not gentle, I’m not harsh, I’m sturdy.

Validation and boundary setting are the two pillars of sturdy parenting. People struggle to set boundaries because most don’t actually know the definition of boundaries. You can’t do anything if you don’t understand it. As soon as you learn to set true boundaries, parenting stops being as exhausting.

Shoenthal: What’s an example of a boundary people have trouble understanding?

Kennedy: Boundaries are what we tell our kids we will do. But we require the kid to do nothing. A boundary is saying, ‘hey I know this is hard, but I’m going to do it.’

To make the boundary effective, give a boost of validation first. For example, ‘I told you only one TV show, now I need the remote.’ That’s not setting a boundary. I’m not telling my kid what I will do and then requiring they do nothing. This is actually a request. Requests are fine, but they’re not boundaries.

A boundary would be saying, ‘Hey, look, it’s hard to turn off the TV, I get it. You can turn the TV off now. Or if by the time I get over to you, you haven’t done that, I will take the remote out of your hand and I’ll turn it off.’ You set a boundary, your kid has a feeling, you validate the feeling but continue holding the boundary.

Shoenthal: The Surgeon General came out with a warning that parenting is bad for our health. What are your thoughts on that?

Kennedy: On one hand, I’m so glad this is getting national attention. Parenting is hard. It affects our mental health. On the other hand, some of us have been screaming this from the rooftops for years so it’s not exactly news.

Parenting is the most important job in the world while being the most under supported, under-resourced, untrained job in the world. Of course parents are going to struggle.

As humans, we really like to understand things. While it’s gratifying to understand things that previously confused us, that’s not enough. Insight is a component of change, but insight does not bring change.

People need to know what to do. That’s why I offer the words to take an insight and turn it into an action. I hold myself responsible for never leaving someone with the question, ‘That’s so insightful, but what do I do?’ I always struggled with that in my Phd program. I remember going to talks with these brilliant thinkers on clinical psychology, and my colleagues would say it was so amazing. Maybe they made the connection better than I did, but I always needed the translation into concrete, actionable guidance.

So while I’m glad this is getting attention, I hope it’s followed up with real action. There are so many things on the governmental level that can make parenting easier. I’m in touch with the Surgeon General’s office to put forth some ideas about how we can take this from idea to concrete, actionable strategy.

Shoenthal: Let’s talk about the parenting topic du jour, kids and phones!

Kennedy: On October 1st I’ll be doing a talk at the 92nd Street Y with Jonathan Haidt. We have complementary perspectives. He’s done such amazing research and has so many powerful ideas. I’m saying, okay, but what do parents actually do right now if their kid is the only one in class without a phone?

Really, we should be having a conversation about boundaries, not phones. Young kids on TikTok? That’s parents struggling to set boundaries. If we can’t say no to our kid who’s requesting a cupcake, we’re not going to be able to say no to a phone.

Some people feel that their bond with their kid is dependent on not setting boundaries. They want to give into every request and demand. How do they start tolerating their kid being upset with them? That’s a learned skill and it requires practice.

We actually have a guide on the app that walks parents through how to give their kid a phone. A great tip is to get your kids as invested in their mental health and safety as you are. If you’re the only one invested, and your kid is the one who finds that stuff annoying, it is forever going to be a battle. How you start this process really affects everything that comes next.

Shoenthal: It’s September, which means it’s back to school season. Any advice for parents on how to navigate transitions?

Kennedy: We can’t give our kids what we’re not giving to ourselves. This is a time of year when it’s so easy to feel like we are pouring ourselves out and part of the reason we’re losing it is because we’re forgetting about ourselves. What thing can you do for five minutes today that really feels like it’s for you? Even if it’s as simple as, I’m drinking my coffee hot, sitting down today. Text a friend and ask if they have eight minutes to chat. The impact on ourselves and on our kids is substantial when we take a little better care of ourselves during hard transitions.

Shoenthal: Anything else you want to share with parents who are struggling?

Kennedy: We really can use tech to make our lives easier. Most parents don’t have time to sit down for a parenting course. Our app is built for the parent who truly doesn’t have more than three to five minutes in a day.

They deserve sophisticated tech to help them through difficult moments – a 24/7 parenting coach in their pocket. As technology makes our lives easier, parents shouldn’t be left behind.